lately i have been having less faith in humanity than usual. i still believe everyone is good at heart, but I'm realizing now how cruel people can be. I've been dealing with family and friend issues and I'm not sure exactly how to handle all of it. i just miss the days when i was happy. i don't understand how someone you love and someone who supposedly loves you back can say things in the most cruel inhumane ways possible, and the next day forget about it and just act like nothing is wrong. to me that is impossible. if i say anything cruel or mean to anyone instantly i say i am sorry and hope for their forgiveness. no matter how angry i get and how mean i can be my conscience will always be there to back me up. i know nobodys perfect; but i cant understand how anyone can do that. i have seen my friends leave me because i quit my old job, not talk to me for months because i was too "depressed" to be able to have fun and always brought them down so they ignored me, i have had many friends leave me for boys, other friends, drugs, etc. and family who under the influence will have the coldest heart you can think of. i understand everyone has their reasoning considering i have been mean to people myself before when i was angry or dealing with a lot going on, but part of me doesn't know if i can forgive anyone anymore...
all my life i have been stepped on, tortured, put down, made fun of, used, etc. and now its a turning point in my life where i am just beaten down from all of it. people look at me like i am a child(i know at times i don't act like it) but nonetheless it happens. i know i am easy to put down as a few friends told me, because i am shy, self-conscious, quiet, invisible, weak, etc. but idk if i can take it here anymore. people belittle me so much and i am afraid to stand up to them because i might hurt their feelings, which is a little ironic. i get made fun of all the time for my height, which yes i know i am short and i am okay with some usual short jokes but lately its gotten out of hands where all my friends do it and my siblings too. i just feel like everything is going wrong all at once and its overwhelming.
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